Thursday, January 19, 2017


So many of us are taking delight in posting our planned activities in lieu of the Donald Trump inauguration taking place on Friday. Questions are going up; ‘What are you planning to do instead of watching the Buffoon in Chief take the oath?” So clever. So much fun to share your wicked humor, audition for your Tina Fey moment, take solace in your sarcasm and show us your snark.
Here are some suggestions you might want to consider;
            Visit your optometrist; you haven’t been seeing things clearly, together combined with a strong chance your current glasses are rose colored. There could be a filter at work, preventing you from seeing the red flags. Get checked. See straight.
            Take your plumber to lunch. Too busy to buy a dude or a chick wearing Dickies a meal? Call for service, get your toilet adjusted, talk to the person. Ask them what they think of minimum wage, immigration reform, jobs, jobs, jobs. A quickie version---stop in at American Tire for a free tire pressure check and spend a moment talking to the guy inflating your tubes. Get an earful while the rubber gets pumped.
            Watch Outdoor Life. You don’t know where it is on your channel lineup? Use the menu function on your remote. Call somebody. Watch three or four hours of dudes hunting in the wilds of upper Montana, stalking game with high powered rifles. No…NO-NO-NO you cannot substitute Martha Stewart cooking shows---who needs flavor rich gravy anymore anyway?---glue to the tube while men in camo and all-weather hunting boots slog through rural high country in search of food. Just do it. Think like they think.
            Buy a case of Kleenex. You’re going to cry a lot more. So much sniffling, sobbing, yabbering, blubbering. Get the large family size boxes so your kids can sob away during your nightly commiseration, explaining to your twelve year old wearing Nikes and hauling a pink or blue hundred dollar backpack that we’re all doomed, torpedoed, inevitably headed to the huge stack of failed states and corrupt regimes.
            Book a trip to Haiti. Go online to Expedia and book a family vacation package. To Haiti. Add on a couple of extras, like a luxury automobile rental, sight-seeing tours. Book only five star hotels. You can pre-select your choices on the website. Go ahead. I’m sure there’s a fine selection of ultra-luxury resorts. Massages. Don’t forget the massages. Following your booking, immediately cancel it, remove all pending itineraries in your queue and book four days on the Redneck Riviera. More real, less crime, more value.
            Know your Dictators. It’s a new game you can begin to work on while Mr. Trump is reciting the Oath of Office. Choose from world class ruthlessness, and post a few photos on your Facebook page. Hitler, Genghis Khan, Stalin. Throw in a few living examples of evil; Kim Jong Un, Robert Mugabe, and even a recently deceased leader or two. Fidel Castro. Hugo Chavez. Then put Trump’s photo up next to the real bad guys and ask yourself about the price of mayonnaise in Caracas, or the availability of new cars in Havana. You’ll feel a lot better.
            Read the Constitution. The Declaration of Independence. Just refresh your memory with the basic tenets of our Republic. Think of the wheres and the whys, how the document was fashioned, what the founders considered important and why. Free press. Freedom of religion. Right to bear arms. By the time you finish Mr. Trump will be strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue in front of millions of supporters with small savings accounts, people who buy guns and hunt, people who don’t live behind locked gates in communities that regiment the color you can paint your house or the style of address numbers you’re able to nail to your garage door.
            Find a Pen Pal. Go ahead, write a letter to a girl kidnapped by Boko Haram and ask how life is going. When she writes back, refer to the previous suggestion regarding Kleenex. When she asks how your life is, try and minimize the Starbucks trips, how your life is ruined by the peaceful transition to a President lawfully elected according to the rules of our Constitution. Don’t, above all else, talk about your kid’s school or how many after school activities he or she participates in, and you should probably avoid mention of the after-holiday sales and how many bonus points you’ve racked up on your Nordstrom card. Be polite, respectful, and don’t overreact if she mentions life in the jungle under armed rule, or how forced rape is commonplace, and stop the obvious response to offer your condolences with your generous proposal to sponsor her with a monthly gift from the Red Cross or you’re wearing a purple wrist band with her name. Refrain from gushing about how you’re planning a watch group to keep your neighborhood free of scourge like door to door salespeople and religious peddlers. She probably won’t relate.
            Now then, Mr. Trump is wrapping up his inaugural address, assuring the nation we’ll be safer, more prosperous, and grounded in basic American values. Your Starbucks will continue serving up steaming lattes and mochas. Whole Foods will raise prices and sell trendy cloth bags to protect the environment, and you’ll still be able to get free tire pressure checks from a guy with a red rag hanging off his butt who seems genuinely surprised when you offer him a couple of bucks for aerating your rubber. You don’t tip the tire guy? Well thank him, for God’s sake. But if you really want to ingratiate him, don’t ask him if he wants to go to college or how long he’s worked here. Hold off on inquiring about his real career plans. Slip him a five. He probably likes working there. Everyone buys tires, after all. He sees all the folks coming in to re-tread their chrome rims. All kinds of people. Even you.



Timecheck said...

Well, that ought to bring out your silent readers!

Kurt Taylor said...

Somebody had to say it..